When people ask me how to find a therapist, they sometimes follow with, Should I choose a male or female therapist? This is a perfectly natural question, maybe especially if you’ve never been to therapy. Spoiler: There’s no should here—only your determining what feels right for you.

Your partner wanted to talk and has started to share her thoughts. You’re there. You’re facing her. And then you hear, “You’re not listening to me.” And now Wait, what?! zings through your brain. Feel confused? Frustrated? Maybe even somewhat defensive? I am listening! What just happened?!

It takes two to make a relationship—a complex, ongoing, never-ending series of interactions between two intimate humans. And one partner can make a difference. Because, the thing is, personal growth does make a difference in a relationship’s well-being.

The best relationships don’t just happen. They are shaped by the energy we invest in them. While moments of ease and harmony are possible, they are the result of ongoing effort—for example, listening well, expressing needs with kindness, and repairing when things go awry.

Finding the right therapist can feel overwhelming. I get that. For one thing, there are many of us out there. And now that you’ve started looking, you might be experiencing information overload. It might also be that you don’t yet know what you’re looking for in a therapist.