How to Connect Emotionally with Your Partner: A Love Letter of Your Values
Everyone seems to have advice for what makes love last when it comes to relationships
“Never go to bed angry!” says Aunt Sally. “Always kiss goodnight!” offers Cousin Ernie. Sure, it’s all well-meaning. But when you’re actually angry—or angry and heading to bed—do those one-liners really help? Do they guide you in how to connect emotionally with your partner, especially in the tough moments?
This is where your values come in.
Values are what shape the way you show up in your relationship. They’re the foundation for emotional connection—not just feel-good slogans, but steady principles you can live by, even when emotions are running high. Your values act as a blueprint: how you treat your partner, how you repair conflict, how you build trust, and how you stay aligned even through disagreement.
Unlike vows, which can be broken or forgotten, values run deeper. They’re what you believe in. What you stand for. They rise from your core and guide how you live and love—not just on the good days, but all the days.
In this love letter to your values, we’ll explore how practicing values-based principles can strengthen your emotional connection—without feeling performative or like you’re losing yourself in the process.
If you're doing the inner work through individual therapy for relationship issues, this is especially for you. Read on to explore how choosing values over vows can help you build a relationship that’s steady, honest, and emotionally connected.
What does emotional connection look like?
Thank you, taylor hernandez on Unsplash
Stan Tatkin, creator of the PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) model, offers a set of foundational principles that support not just reconnection or repair, but the ongoing growth of a healthy, secure partnership. These aren’t abstract ideals—they’re concrete, practical ways of showing up.
And here’s the key: they’re not one-time gestures. They’re daily practices.
To build a strong emotional connection with your partner, you need consistent, habitual, daily ways of showing up for one another. Not just when things are easy. Not just when you remember. But every day, even in small ways, your commitment shows up in how you act, speak, respond, and repair.
So what does that actually look like in action?
Let’s take a look at some of these secure-functioning relationship principles. These values-based practices can guide you as you learn how to connect emotionally with your partner—and perhaps more deeply than you ever thought possible!
We have each other’s backs—always
Loyalty isn’t conditional. We protect each other in public and in private—even when we disagree or are annoyed or frustrated. I have my partner’s back and they have mine.
We drop everything in an emergency
When one of us is scared, hurt, or in need, the other responds. No delays, no questions, no “You should have ABC” or “Why didn’t you XYZ?”. Only attending to my partner with complete presence, compassion, and care.
We tell each other first
Good news or bad, big or small, my partner is the first to know. We don’t postpone, avoid, or make someone else the priority. We are each other’s home base.
We’re fully transparent
Even when it’s uncomfortable. No secrets. No omissions. No silent stewing. We’re open with each other because safety and trust are built on honesty and transparency.
We repair quickly
Misunderstandings happen. What matters is that we make it right—and that we both feel heard, soothed, and understood.
We share power
We collaborate, not dominate. We listen, not bulldoze. We make decisions together and treat each other as equals (because power imbalances erode trust and safety). We are both the boss.
We choose kindness and fairness
Our default is mutual respect, and we operate from compassion, not criticism—especially when we’re stressed.
We make joint decisions
If it affects both of us, it requires both of us. We don’t act unilaterally—we collaborate.
We go for the Ws
We and win-win. If one of us loses, we lose. If one of us feels dismissed or overruled, we come back to the table until we make it okay for both of us.
We are each other’s biggest supporters
We cheer each other on, speak with respect, stand up for one another, and celebrate each other’s growth. We’re on the same team, always.
~~~
This might feel like a lot to take in. Most of us did not have relationship models who showed us what this could look like. So let me encourage you here with good news—you can choose to commit to your relationship, to yourself, and to your partner. And your commitment, rooted in your values, can make all the difference.
So, pause a moment for a breath here and then let’s start putting all of the above into action.
A love letter of your own
Your values are your gold standards of what’s important, what matters. Principles are your values in action.
Start identifying your own values now so you can begin practicing a principled and respectful partnership that focuses on mutual regard, fairness, justice, sensitivity, collaboration, and cooperation.
Ask yourself:
>> How do I want to show up when we disagree?
>> What kind of partner do I want to be on hard days?
>> How do I want my partner to feel after spending time with me?
>> How do I want to be thought of in this relationship?
>> What do I want to be true about us, even—especially—when things are hard?
>> When I reflect on this relationship at any time, what values do I want to say I upheld?
Now imagine writing a letter that begins like this:
Dear Relationship,
* I want to be someone who listens with my full attention.
* I want to be a partner who doesn’t walk away when things get hard.
* I want to show up with honesty, patience, and courage.
~~~
When you're ready, begin your own love letter of values. When you name your values, you start to shift your focus from fixing what’s broken to building what matters. Notice how even small changes can create more warmth and connection.
For men who want deeper emotional connection
If you’re a man wondering how to connect emotionally with your partner, you might be working against some deeply held beliefs—messages you grew up with, roles you thought you had to play, or fears of being seen as weak.
But here’s the truth: connecting emotionally is not about becoming someone else. It’s about sharing yourself, letting your partner know you. It’s about showing up when it counts. It’s about regularly showing up from your values.
And often, it starts with individual work.
In individual therapy for relationship issues for men, we focus on the ‘inner blueprint’ you bring to relationships: your habits of closeness and distance, your automatic reactions, your hopes, your fears. From there, you and I can build something new—something that reflects your real values, not just your reactions.
Therapy can help you show up as the partner you want to be
Relationships aren’t ever about perfection—they’re about repair, respect, shared values, and shared vision. If you’ve been feeling stuck in patterns that don’t feel good anymore—shutting down, arguing over the same things, feeling emotionally disconnected—therapy can help.
You don’t have to wait for your partner to be ready for couple therapy. Sometimes the most powerful relationship work begins with just one person deciding I want to do this differently.
If that’s you, I’d love to help. I specialize in individual therapy for relationship issues for men in Minnesota—especially those who want to create stronger emotional connection, understand their relational patterns, and align their actions with their values.
Let’s talk about what matters most to you—and how therapy can help you live those values in your relationship.
