What Do You Believe About Your Relationship?
What do you believe about your relationship?
It’s a critical relationship question—and perhaps one we’ve never taken time to consider. But it’s important to call our beliefs about relationships into our relational spaces, because the beliefs we carry shape our connections with our partners.
They show up as sensors or detectors for what’s okay or not, what’s ‘normal’ or not, what’s forgivable or not. And they reveal themselves as behavioral patterns. And so it might be wise to ask:
Are my beliefs contributing to helping us feel close, seen, and safe … or quietly and painfully pulling us apart?
In this post, I’ll highlight the latter—beliefs and patterns that create disconnection—and things to try instead.
Do you believe it’s okay to…
Thank you, Sasha Matveeva on Unsplash
Not talk when you’re angry?
You’re upset or hurt—but instead of bringing it up, you hold it in.
Maybe you learned that speaking up leads to blowups, that your needs aren’t worth voicing, or that calm at all costs is the goal.
But if you learned that speaking up leads to blowups in the moment, know that not talking when you’re angry will just lead to the blowup later. Because silence never erases the issue—it just turns it inward. And eventually, all that inner tension discharges—through passive-aggressive comments, resentment, or emotional withdrawal.
Try this instead:
Let your partner know you’re not ready to talk yet, but you plan to come back when you’ve had a chance to cool down:
“I’m really overwhelmed right now. I care about us, and I want to talk when I can be more grounded. Can we take a short break?”
You're not avoiding conflict—you’re approaching it responsibly.
Storm out of the room?
Slamming a door or walking away mid-sentence might feel like setting a boundary. But when it’s done in anger, it’s really just acting out—and it’s not a healthy relationship behavior. So, without communication, it will likely land on your partner as rejection.
Try this instead:
Practice pausing long enough to say without all the heat you might be feeling:
“I need a few minutes to myself so I don’t say something I’ll regret. I’ll come back and talk with you soon.”
This models self-regulation and care at the same time.
Sweep issues under the rug?
Avoiding conflict can feel like keeping the peace—but when things go unspoken, they don’t simply go away. They pile up and fester (ick). Then over time, today's disagreement is a pile of unspoken hurts.
Try this instead:
If bringing something up feels scary, try framing it gently:
“Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind? I’m not looking to argue—I just want us to understand each other better.”
Healthy conflict isn’t the problem—avoiding it is.
Not repair after a fight?
Repairing isn’t a skill that was taught to or modeled for most of us. And it isn’t about admitting to being wrong or telling your partner they ‘won’. Repair is about connection and empathy. It’s about saying, “Our relationship matters to me. You matter to me.”
Try this instead:
Know that timing matters in repairs—it’s critical to initiate this sooner rather than later:
“I see now that what I said landed in a hurtful way. That wasn’t my intention, and I want to understand how it felt to you.”
Relationships grow and thrive on repair. It’s an invaluable relationship skill.
Not apologize?
When you apologize, it’s not a concession that you were entirely at fault. It means you care enough to acknowledge how your words or actions may have affected your partner—and that’s vulnerability.
Try this instead:
Own your part, and keep it simple and sincere:
“I’m sorry I snapped. I was frustrated, but I don’t want to take it out on you.” That kind of ownership can be healing for both of you.
Vulnerability builds connection. (Being vulnerable—another essential relationship skill.)
Keep score?
Competitive in the field or on the court? Super! But keeping score in your relationship and aiming for a 50/50 tally isn’t healthy: I did the dishes, you didn’t take out the trash .... Over time, scorekeeping creates resentment and turns your relationship into a competition against each other instead of being on the same team.
Try this instead:
Shift toward appreciation:
“Thank you for folding the laundry—it helped a lot.”
Appreciating your partner and their responsibilities acknowledges their contributions to your shared life.
Expect mind-reading?
Whenever I hear someone say about their partner, “If they loved me, they’d just know,” I’m always curious about how they came to that belief.
We all want (and deserve) to be deeply known. But expecting mind-reading is a setup for disappointment and failure. Even the most attuned partners can’t meet needs they don’t know about.
Clear, kind communication is a gift—not a burden.
Try this instead:
“When you asked how I was feeling this morning and took the time to hear my response, I felt really cared for. That kind of check-in means a lot to me.”
Naming your needs gives your partner a chance to show up.
Do you believe …
It should only be easy because of your love?
Every couple runs into friction! Believing love should be ‘effortless’ can make normal relationship challenges feel like signs you’re with the ‘wrong’ person. Know that all relationships require effort—and care and clear, kind communication and flexibility and more.
Try this instead:
Reframe hard moments as opportunities:
“This is a tough one for us—but maybe there’s something we’re supposed to learn here together.”
Growth isn’t always smooth, but it can be meaningful.
You don’t have to keep believing–or doing–what you learned
Maybe you grew up in a home where people didn’t apologize or where no one modeled healthy conflict or emotional repair. Maybe the relationships around you were silent, chaotic, or filled with walking-on-eggshells tension. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the pattern. And if you have or your partner has been noticing these kinds of patterns, know that you can change the patterns!
Therapy can be a place where you begin to notice which beliefs feel aligned with the relationship you want—and which ones are ready to be gently replaced. It’s not about blame or perfection. It’s about choice.
When we believe something different, we show up differently. When we value connection over control, care over ‘being right’, and repair over distance, we create spaces where you, your partner, and your relationship are all winners in the ‘game of love’.
Coming Soon: A Love Letter of Values
In my next post, I’ll flip this script. While this post explored the beliefs that create distance, the next one will explore the values that build connection. Think of it like a love letter—not one full of promises we might break, but grounded in the kind of people we want to be for each other.
Ready to shift your beliefs, one conversation at a time?
If you're curious about how individual therapy can support you in showing up differently in your relationship, let’s talk. I work with individuals—especially men—who are ready to rethink what connection can look like. You don’t have to do this alone.
