How to Have a Healthy Relationship Check-In—A Weekly Habit That Strengthens Connection
This post is part of my Healthy Communication series—it continues with the knowing that it’s about being intentional.
If you missed the first two posts, check them out here:
Healthy Communication in Relationships
What Gets in the Way of Healthy Communication?
This third part focuses on a tool to use for creating or maintaining a healthy relationship. While I’m generally for not “shoulding” on anyone, I’m a believer that every couple should have regular relationship check-ins.
What is a relationship check-in?
A couple joining their hands in front of them to form a heart. Thank you, Matt Nelson on Unsplash.
A relationship check-in is a dedicated time for an open, honest, kind, caring, respectful, two-way conversation about how things are going in your relationship. The goal is to be present with your partner and stay current, curious, and connected.
Over time, regular check-ins help you build trust—both in your partner and your own ability to have meaningful conversations that keep your relationship strong.
Check-ins are not for hashing out arguments or re-opening old wounds. They’re about noticing patterns, voicing needs and requesting support, expressing gratitude, and proactively tending to the relationship before issues build up.
A few ground rules for starting your healthy check-in routine
To keep your check-in helpful, connected, and even something you look forward to, agree to a few ground rules.
1. Make it part of your rhythm
Like your favorite show or weekly pizza night, schedule it for the same day and time that generally works for both of you. If one of you needs to move it, that person takes the lead in rescheduling—it’s shared priority and not a maybe.
2. Make it time-limited
Especially in the beginning, when you’re new at this, it might feel intense or intimidating. Maybe set aside 10-15 minutes at first. You’ll grow into it and find a rhythm over time.
3. Bring your best self—curious, kind, and grounded
No sarcasm, blaming, or passive-aggressive zings. This is a time for presence and connection. Show up ready to listen, learn, and even laugh a little.
4. Not everything can or will be resolved right away
Not every check-in needs a resolution. Sometimes the goal is to understand one another better, to be seen and heard—not to fix. You can always say, “Let’s come back to this next time,” and trust that you will.
How to structure your check-in
There is no single right way—and over time, I hope you will make it your own. But following a framework will give you structure for support, especially if this is a new practice in your relationship.
1. Gratitude
Start by sharing appreciation. This sets a positive tone and reminds you both what you value in each other. Gratitude can be for something ‘big’ or ‘small’—emotional support, acts of service, or a simple gesture that made you feel supported.
Examples
> “Thank you for doing the grocery run when I was wiped out. That meant a lot.”
> “I appreciated how present you were during our conversation last night—it helped me feel really heard.”
> “You’ve been so steady this week, and I’ve noticed. I’m grateful for how much you show up for us.”
Getting specific in your gratitude makes this part especially powerful. The more clearly we name what we’re grateful for, the more likely it is to happen again.
2. Feelings & reflections
Use “I” statements to express how you’ve been feeling lately—in the relationship or just in general. I know you’ve heard about using “I” statements before. And for good reason—it invites vulnerability and gives your partner a chance to better understand your inner world.
Examples
> “I’ve been feeling kind of disconnected this week—not because of anything you’ve done, just noticing that I’ve been in my head a lot.”
> “I’ve felt really calm with you lately. It’s been a nice shift, and I just wanted to share that.”
> “I felt discouraged when our check-in didn’t happen last week, and I realized how much I rely on them to feel grounded with you.”
This element is about reflection, not blame. Bringing awareness to your own emotional experience helps your partner show up with empathy.
3. What’s working
Notice and name what’s going well. This helps reinforce connection and reminds you both that you’re making progress.
Examples
> “I’ve noticed that we’re interrupting each other less when we talk—it’s made our conversations feel more respectful.”
> “I like that we’ve been ending the day with a little check-in, even if it’s just a few minutes.”
> “I feel like we’ve been handling stress as a team lately. That feels really good.”
This helps build confidence in the relationship. Naming what’s working gives you both a sense of momentum and highlights your teamwork.
4. What needs attention
Gently bring up areas where you’d like to feel more supported or connected. Think collaboration, not criticism.
Examples
> “When you were quiet after dinner a few nights ago, I felt unsure of where we stood. I’d like to understand how you were feeling.”
> “I’m missing physical affection lately—it would mean a lot to hold hands more or just have a hug when we say goodnight.”
Keep using “I” statements—you’re focusing your energy on an invitation to learn or do something new rather than a complaint about what is or isn’t.
5. Plans & intentions
Share what’s coming up in the week ahead and how you can support each other.
Examples
> “I’ve got a big presentation on Thursday. I’d love some encouragement the night before—I’ll probably be anxious.”
> “I’m trying to stick to a new morning routine. Would you be okay helping by giving me a little extra quiet time before 8 AM?”
This is about teamwork and shared rhythms. It helps you stay aligned and feel like you’re moving through life side by side with a common vision and purpose.
6. Winding down
Always remember to end your time together well, even if things felt a bit shaky or off. Bookend your check-in with gratitude, continuing with feelings, and reinforcing what’s working.
Examples
> “Thank you for our time together. This helps me feel more connected to you and to our purpose as a couple.”
> “I’m so glad we had this thoughtful conversation. And the more we’ve done this, the closer I’ve felt to you.”
> “We talked about some important issues tonight. I felt heard. Thank you for being so present.”
Here you’re acknowledging and reinforcing the healthy communication work you’ve done.
Bonus wind-down question: “Is there anything you need from me this week?” This question helps you regularly practice being intentional in your relationship and signals deep commitment to your partner and your relationship health.
How often and for how long?
I’ve already suggested that weekly is the sweet spot for most couples. You could do twice a week. For specific stressors (finances or parenting, for example), check in (mostly) daily for a while.
As for how long to keep having weekly check-ins? Ask yourself this: “Do I want to have a strong, healthy, loving, connected, and vibrant relationship with this person for the rest of my life?” I’ll let you do the math …
Any objections?
It’s true—as valuable as check-ins are for nurturing healthy relationships, one (or both) of you might have objections to making them a regular practice.
“We don’t have time.”
”We make time for what matters. It’s okay for us to start small.”“I’m afraid of what might come up.”
Your partner probably is too. Practice builds confidence.“I don’t know what to say.”
Use a list of check-in questions—or just start with gratitude.“What if it goes on forever?”
Remember the rules of engagement—keep it time-limited, especially at first.“I’m afraid my partner will be angry with anything I bring up and will shut down.”
Remind your partner of the check-in ground rules of showing up with your best self and no blame. Remind them too of the goal of the check-in—being present and getting connected.“I’m afraid it won’t help.”
It’s not about solving every issue in one sitting. It’s about staying (or getting) connected.
Invite your partner to start this new habit with you
Healthy communication series graphic for Part 3 “healthy relationship check-ins”. Created in Canva by this post author.
This week, talk to your partner about starting a regular check-in. Set a time, make a plan, and begin building your version of this relationship-growth routine. The habit of checking in—kindly, honestly, intentionally, consistently—is one of the best ways to strengthen your bond.
I can help
If you’re navigating communication challenges, want to reconnect as a couple, or need help exploring your own objections to having a check-in, individual therapy for relationship issues can help you build the clarity and confidence to show up fully. I work with individuals across Minnesota who are interested expressing themselves more deeply and openly, communicating with confidence, deepening their important relationships, and letting go of “stuff” that no longer works for them.
with warmth and encouragement,
JoEllen
You Got This Therapy
p.s. My husband and I have our own weekly check-in tonight. We’re looking forward to it—whatever is on the table.
Next post teaser
In my next post, I’m turning the focus inward—how to check in with yourself emotionally, mentally, and relationally.
