What Gets in the Way of Healthy Communication—and How to Work Through It
Two closed red window shutters shown from the outside of a stone and mortar building. Being closed suggesting getting in the way of openness, honesty, sharing. Thank you, Mathias Reding on Unsplash.
Healthy communication isn’t just about what we say—it’s deeply influenced by why we say it, how we say it, and even whether we say it at all.
In last week’s post on Healthy Communication in Relationships, we explored what healthy communication looks and sounds like. But what if it feels hard to even try to have that kind of connection? You’re not alone. That’s what we’re talking about today—what gets in the way of healthy communication, and what you can do about it.
Fear is often at the root of communication breakdowns
And there’s no shame in that. Having fears—even about something as necessary and important as healthy communication with your partner—is part of being human.
We can generally make a pretty good guess that Fear—that part of us trying to keep things safe, sometimes by shutting us down—is often running the show from behind the scenes when communication gets tense, stuck, or silent.
Here’s how some of that fear might sound in your head:
“If I’m honest, I’ll make them mad.”
“If I bring this up, they’ll leave.”
“If I say the wrong thing, I’ll mess everything up.”
“Why bother? They don’t really care what I feel.”
These thoughts aren’t irrational or dramatic. They often come from past experiences—sometimes long ago, sometimes in this very relationship—that taught you that honesty might not be safe, that feelings get dismissed, or that silence feels more manageable than conflict.
When we fear conflict, rejection, or even disappointing someone we love, our communication tends to get smaller—more reactive, more superficial, and less deep, vulnerable, and connecting. Or it disappears altogether.
Healthy communication skills aren’t just about words
It’s easy to believe that communication is about finding the right words. But healthy communication is more than a script with the words to be said. It’s about staying grounded, being open, and showing up with intention—even when things feel hard.
So what gets in the way? Let’s name a handful of the most common blocks. (And read below this section to see what helps.)
Common obstacles to healthy communication
1. Fear of vulnerability
Letting someone see your real thoughts and emotions can feel risky. You might fear being judged, misunderstood, or dismissed. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that vulnerability isn’t safe or even means weakness. But in truth, vulnerability is a core ingredient of healthy, connected communication.
2. Fear of conflict
Maybe you learned early in life that conflict leads to yelling, withdrawal, or emotional shut-down. If so, your nervous system might even experience calm disagreement as threatening. As a result, you might avoid important conversations altogether.
3. Fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
If you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, too needy, or too emotional—or not communicative enough—you may feel frozen trying to find the perfect balance. This can lead to overthinking or silence.
4. Old patterns from past relationships
Sometimes, what you learned in childhood—or a past relationship—gets unintentionally carried into your current one. You might unconsciously be reacting to your partner as if they’re someone else. Or you find yourself stuck in habits that no longer serve you and your current relationship. (They’re like old clothes that no longer fit.)
5. Lack of emotional language
It’s hard to share what you don’t have words for. Many people were not allowed or taught how to name emotions clearly—much less express them. That’s not a personal failure—it’s a skills gap that can be filled over time.
So what helps?
Let’s talk about what you can do—starting now. These practices are simple, but not always easy. Start small. Each one can help you build healthier and more connected communication.
1. Pause before reacting
When emotions run high, take a breath before you respond. A 3-second pause can make a difference. Ask yourself, Am I speaking from fear—or from care and curiosity? If Fear answers first, continue to pause until you can be with your partner from a place of care and curiosity.
2. Name what’s happening
Try naming your internal experience out loud. “I’m feeling nervous to say this, but I think it matters.” This models honesty and openness and reduces tension.
3. Use “I” statements
Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel discouraged when I don’t feel heard.” This reduces defensiveness and focuses on your experience—not blame.
4. Revisit hard conversations later
It’s okay to say, “This feels hard to talk about right now. Can we come back to it later?” And be sure to put ‘later’ on your shared calendar. Healthy communication happens over time, with repeated occurrences—not all at once.
5. Practice being gently direct
You can be kind and clear at the same time. “I want us to feel close again” or “I miss how we used to talk” are direct and heartfelt ways to open a dialogue.
Working on your communication doesn’t mean you’re failing
It means you care. It means you want better for yourself and your relationships.
Healthy communication skills are learned. They can be strengthened. And yes, they can be practiced even if you’re the only one currently doing the work in individual therapy for relationship issues.
If you’d like help working on your healthy communication skills …
Text “healthy communication series” over two plain speech bubbles and simple background. Subtitle text reads “Part 2: What gets in the way?” Image created in Canva by this author.
If you’re feeling stuck in unhelpful patterns or unsure how to have the kind of communication you want in your relationship, individual therapy can help. In therapy, you don’t just talk about communication—you practice it. Together, we can explore what’s getting in the way, clarify what you truly want to express, and build the confidence to speak with honesty and care.
I work with adults across Minnesota in online individual therapy focused on relationship issues, healthy communication, and personal growth—whether you're partnered, single, or somewhere in between. And, a reminder—you don’t have to be perfect to make a difference in your relationship. You just have to be willing to begin.
When you’re ready, I’d love to support you. Schedule a free consultation here.
Stay tuned for more in this healthy communication series …
I’d love to share thoughts with you on how to have a healthy and productive check-in and how to repair relationship ruptures. These are future posts in this series. Check back again soon.
with gratitude and admiration for the work you’re doing to make relationships better,
JoEllen
